


and those bright [dead] blue eyes

by KeyKnows



Series: Shigure/Artorius [3]
Category: Tales of Berseria
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Drama, M/M, Unrequited Love, sex with feelings, very sad feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 17:36:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12709686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeyKnows/pseuds/KeyKnows
Summary: Shigure would prefer this to be different, but he had always yearned for things to not be how they are and regardless, they are.





	and those bright [dead] blue eyes

**Author's Note:**

> how it says in the tags, there is m/m sex on this fic but it isn't that explicit and that's why i decied to put it in the M category, if you think i should put it in the E category let me know :3
> 
> Hope you like it!

 

_“You love, love, love_

_When you know I can't love”_

_—Of Monsters and Men, Love Love Love_

 

 

The knock on his door is on time, like it always is on bad days like this. If he’s honest Shigure was waiting for it, but this is one of those situations in which, even if he doesn’t lie to himself, at least let his too honest thoughts slip to the back on his mind.

So he doesn’t let himself dwell on how he was fighting his urge to sleep, despite how tired he is; how Morgrim has conveniently decide she will have late night walk and not be back until early morning; how he gets up from his bed in a jump and it’s at the door in a second.

He doesn’t let himself dwell on that, or on the tight feeling in the mouth of his stomach, in the sudden anticipation tingling all over his body.

Right now, actually, he would prefer to don’t think at all.

He takes a deep breath to calm down his simmering thoughts and opens the door.

Outside, the long hallway is dark, eerie illuminated with the light of some torches along the walls. In front of his door, sticking out in the darkness with the white purity of his clothes, there’s Artorius.

Artorius, always serious, always silent, always lackluster, like in this perfect picture he represents, like in this image of hero, of messiah, of savior something is missing.

Shigure sees him, wandering under his threshold like some kind of lost spirit, and wishes desperately to give him back whatever he’s missing.

He knows he can’t, of course.

Probably no one can.

What he knows, however, is why Artorius has come here, tonight, like all those other nights he’s come asking Shigure for a piece of his soul.

It’s not like Artorius knows that he’s taking chunks of himself every time he comes here. Or maybe he does and doesn’t care. Shigure can’t tell.

There’s so little he can actually do.

He smiles at Artorius, confident and nonchalant, like he isn’t already feeling a part of him being taken, being given to this man. He smiles, greets him as carefree as possible and invites him in.

Invites him in, lets Artorius into his room and pretends the cold politeness with which the other talks to him doesn’t faze him.

Invites him in, sees him walk aimlessly around the bedroom, watches his calculated movements, his perpetual serenity, his melancholic gaze.

Invites him in, and asks:

How can I help you? Like he doesn’t’ know.

 And in a way he doesn’t. And in other way, he knows too well.

There’s a minuscule moment, when Artorius hears this question, in which the shadow of doubt appears for an instant, short but significant, over his features.

Shigure understands the doubt. Because _why you do this? To yourself? To me?_

_Why I do?_

But whatever battle Artorius has within himself, it finishes quickly. And he wins. Or he loses. And the shadow vanishes like it was never there.

The first time this happened it almost didn’t, by how insecure both of them were about it, because they couldn’t stop asking themselves what they were even doing.

But now Artorius walks towards Shigure with practiced ease, confident of what he’s doing and on what he will ask of the other. Calm and calculating like everything he does, like this is just part of the act of being the savior of the world, like there’s a rational reason for this, like this is something that _must_ be done for a greater purpose.

It probably is, Shigure muses against his will, it probably is because it keeps Artorius for going insane.

If not, why he would even do it?

Artorius walks towards Shigure, stands in front of him, looks him in the eye for a less than a second, to see if Shigure will back down. He won’t. So Artorius kisses him surprisingly hungry, puts his hand on Shigure’s chest and leans into him, expecting the other to catch him, to hold him steady.

And Shigure obliges, of course, the moment he feels Artorius on his lips he’s already answering with as much enthusiasm as he can muster, he puts his hands around Artorius’ waist and pulls him close, traps him against his chest.

Shigure obliges, and he knows why Artorius is here, knows what he’s asking of him, and if this is the only thing Shigure can give him, if this is the only thing Shigure can do for him, _so_ _be it_. He will make sure to do a fine job.

Shigure lets Artorius’ mouth and starts kissing his cheek, his jaw, slowly makes his way to his neck, and licks and nibbles at the white skin hiding under the high collar of his clothes: Hears Artorius’ shuddering breath, feels the gloved hand over his chest looking for something to grab.

He guides Artorius to the bed, without stopping the attention to his neck that is starting to look a little red, but just a little, he won’t leave a mark on him, of course. He can’t.

He guides him to the bed and gently leans him down. The most interesting part is how Artorius’ lets him, how he doesn’t oppose, how, when Shigure gets on top of him and watches him, he looks so damn vulnerable, so open, so human.

Shigure wouldn’t have a problem just watching him until the end of the world, do nothing but watch the so weird blush on his cheeks, the way his chest moves with his agitate breath, how his long, silver hair cascades over the mattress around his head.

He can’t watch him for long, however, can’t indulge in this simple pleasure because Artorius doesn’t like him. He told Shigure once, on the first times this occurred, to don’t do it. Whatever is Shigure’s eyes when he sees Artorius, Artorius doesn’t want to see it and Shigure obliges.

So he gets over the mattress too, his legs at each side of Artorius’ hips, his hands at each side of shoulders and dives in into another hungry kiss. Artorius’ uses his only hand to surround Shigure’s neck and bring him closer, asking him for more.

It’s not long before Shigure can feel the results of the make out and he presses his hardness against Artorius’, enjoys his quiet, gasping breaths, enjoys teasing him with the delicious but not quite enough friction. Enjoys it so much when he sees Artorius stop kissing him to take his gloved hand to his mouth and tear away the glove with his teeth, when he tries to take his hand to his pants and free them both of the delicious torture. He enjoys it even more when he takes Artorius’ hand with his and takes it over Artorius’ head, trapping it there and leaving him helpless.

Artorius gives him a dirty glance but puts no further resistance and rather, lets Shigure do things his way. This is part of why Artorius is here, because here, with Shigure, he doesn’t have to do anything.

So Shigure uses his other hand to free Artorius’ of his heavy clothes, envelop him and make him feel good.

Artorius gasps when Shigure starts working at a steady rhythm, shudders and removes, his left hand trapped against the mattress twisting in a very half-hearted attempt to get free, his eyes fixated in the way Shigure touches him so thoroughly.

Shigure makes use of this moment to watch his face attentively, to have a glimpse of this side of Artorius that he’s so lucky of witnessing. To see him so far away from his usual composure, to see him open his mouth and gasp for breath letting himself go for a moment, to see his beautiful blue eyes filled with something more than his ever present sadness.

This is sight he would also watch forever, but his own body claims for attention. He lets Artorius goes and enjoys a little too much of his disappointed sigh, and goes to fetch a small bottle of lube from his drawer.

Artorius watches what he’s doing and kicks out his boots and his pants, knowing what comes next.

Shigure comes back to him immediately and sits between his legs, repressing all the thoughts that come to him about how beautiful Artorius is, ignoring all the words of praise and love that get stuck in his throat. Rather he puts some lube on his fingers and starts working Artorius open, slowly and carefully to don’t hurt him even a little, since that would defeat the purpose of this whole encounter.

Artorius watches him work, bites his lips to don’t let a sound out, his toes curl against the mattress and his hand hangs to the sheets like his life depends on it.

When Shigure thinks it’s been enough and Artorius is already a shuddering mess, he gets his own pants just low enough to get out his member and puts some lube on himself too.

He would like, if he’s honest, to be completely naked and for Artorius to be the same, but from the beginning Artorius showed himself reticent to that, the only reason he takes out his pants because it makes this easier, probably. Shigure has never seen his chest, his stomach, his unmoving right hand: sometimes he dreams of slowly tearing away the glove that covers it and kissing it, sometimes wonders if Artorius would feel it.

What Artorius defiantly feels, in the other hand, is Shigure slowly but surely going inside him. Artorius anchors himself to Shigure’s back thought he’s careful of not using his nails, with Shigure’s manner of dress everyone would see it if he leaves a mark. Shigure wouldn’t care, he would like even, he would proudly show the world that he—

Being inside Artorius never stops being an incredible experience. He feels so good inside him, watching at the point where their bodies connect makes him dizzy, makes his heart hammer inside his chest: it elates him, that they can be like this, that he can hold Artorius’ frame against his chest and feel him tremble, that he breath in the curve of Artorius neck and hide from the world there.

He can’t describe what he feels when, mustering all his willpower and probably swallowing all his pride, Artorius whispers: _Shigure_.

It’s a petition. And Shigure doesn’t know what he’s asking, not at all.

Doing this with him, coming to Shigure on bad days, allowing Shigure to see him like this, it must mean something, it must help Artorius to don’t fall apart, it probably helps him to don’t be the one in charge for a while, it must feel good to let go, to don’t be hold to any expectative.

But, Shigure thinks, this isn’t just some stress relief, doing this should also mend _something_ inside Artorius, some old wound that never healed, a void in his soul that needs to be filled, this must _help_ Artorius in some ulterior way, this must make the weight of whatever sorrow he carries lighter because if not…

If not is not worthy. It’s not worth that Shigure has to watch him and hold him and kiss him and yet has to silence all he really craves for telling him, that has to conform to this mockery of love making because love is not what Artorius needs or even wants from him.

Shigure would prefer for this to be different, but he had always yearned for things to not be how they are and regardless, they are.

So he listens to Artorius’ plead and gives him the only thing he can and hopes is enough. Still, he puts every ounce of himself, of his feelings into in.

Shigure moves, slowly at first to permit Artorius to adjust and then works on a steady rhythm that Artorius corresponds with moving his hips. Shigure keeps on increasing the intensity as Artorius asks for it.

For most of it Artorius reminds silent as a tomb, the way his breath changes the only indication of what he’s doing, of what he’s feeling. Shigure tortures himself with the thought of how would it be to hear him moan openly and shamelessly, how beautiful it should sound, how he would love to be the cause of it. But even now, he thinks, Artorius must be holding back, even now, between his arms, Artorius doesn’t trust him that much.

The thought hurts, but it also fills him with determination because whatever Artorius’ is missing it probably doesn’t let him be free of himself, and can’t completely trust anyone.

So Shigure decides to go faster, harder and Artorius gives a sharp intake of air and holds to Shigure’s neck.

It doesn’t take long for Artorius to come after that, he closes his eyes hard and bites his lips and he looks almost in pain, and Shigure thinks he would sob if he wasn’t holding back. He comes all over his own stomach and the sight of it takes Shigure over the edge and he quickly pulls out.

Shigure spills himself over the mattress, doing a complete mess of the sheets.

After controlling his own trembling breaths, Shigure gets up in shaky legs and goes to the bathroom to fetch a wet towel. He gives it to Artorius and he cleans himself, still a little dazed, and then gets up to dress.

Shigure watches him discreetly. Artorius puts on his underwear, his pants, clasps his boots, all with one hand and like he never needed the other one. He asks Shigure to use his bathroom and comes out of it with a washed face and perfect hair: like nothing ever happened.

They say their goodnights and Artorius goes, like he was never here.

Shigure watches him go, feels something painful stir inside his chest, feels he’s the one that’s missing something and goes to the bathroom too.

He takes a bath, changes the sheets and goes to sleep.

Like nothing ever happened.

Like Artorius isn’t killing him.

Like he isn’t gladly letting him.

Like he doesn’t love him.

**Author's Note:**

> if you havent heard the song quoted at the begining you totally should, it's super sad but super good. I've know the song for quite sometime but today I listened to it and it made me think of ShiguAru and it made so sad ;_; i had already thought about this sceneary for them but it wasn't until today that i muster the willpower to write it down, being how another work has me all tangled up Dx
> 
> and well, idk man, they make me so damn sad but i love them a lot, and they deserved happines but both of them are dead and my heart can't take his bullshit! D'x damn you Bamco! for making me love the villians! D'x
> 
> anyway I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Every comment will be appreciate! 
> 
> Pd. also i just wrote this so it isn't edited, maybe one day i'll check it.


End file.
